Some countries call him a cowboy, others call him a clown, but there is no doubt he has the patent on the Pompetus of Covfefe. This can only apply to one person. However, it was not always thus…

Some folks criticize the Prez for his misuse of language in general, and especially his slightly more incoherent than usual misuse of the word covfefe. Some radical conservatives, if they ever bothered to fact-check this word (and most of his psychotic ravings), the safe assumption being that they dare not ever fact-check, might be more than a little put out by this ultra-liberal, far-left utterance.

Covfefe is a derivative, originally from Druid, passed over to Celtic, down to Greek, up to Latin, and finally further up to Holland, where it lay virtually unused until the turn of the 20^th century, and then only amongst the intelligentsia – surprised? The Scripps Spelling Bee has never used this word because of its politically inflammatory nature.

Along with the derivation in the form of the word, the meaning has evolved through the years. Originally referring to Okra, the slimy vegetable, now known best to inhabitants of New Orleans, the slimy part of the definition retained through the entire etymology. The Druids used a long-extinct version of okra as a fragrance-masking toilet paper, using their left hand for the job. This was quickly found to irritate the anal membranes, causing anal leakage, and was discarded in favor of corncobs, which had their own issues.

The word covvff then was originally used to describe a left-handed membrane-irritating battle between the ancestrally natural scent and an artificial cosmetic, which not only damaged the rectum, but also began a raging conflict with everything on the right hand, in those days devoid of the onerous task of butt wiping.

The Celts applied this epithet to a specific band of marauding tribesmen from a source that has been lost to history. They always attacked from the right, which made them fair game for anyone with an ounce of perception. This tribe was short-lived and was wiped out during the earliest reign of the Celts. The slightly evolved word covepk was briefly elevated to the realm of superstition. The mere mention of the word could allegedly cause any enemy to revert to the condition originally caused by the use of okra, causing oily discharge accompanying a preoccupation with bodily functions to the detriment of defense and self-preservation.

The Greeks hardly ever used their derivation of the word. Athlios, now meaning putrid replaced the briefly used “covlios” which was said to be uttered by anyone lacking any redemptive qualities, and appearing so repulsive as to cause nausea and appendicitis, on the right side of the body.

In Roman times, covlios devolved back to covvff, once the Romans ventured to the territory now referred to as the British Isles. They would stand on a bluff overlooking the mysterious Atlantic Ocean on the right, felt to be a bottomless abyss, and call out Covvff! to warn people of the dangers of sea serpents, and the dangers that lay in the ocean to the right.

Finally, the word, Covfefe, now archaic, came into its own in Holland. Unstable dykes, the type that holds water back from flooding…really… used to leak constantly until they failed completely. The ground around the dyke was always muddy, like quicksand and for some reason a favorite deposit ground for bat guano which is usually found in caves, gull droppings, and any animal unwise enough to venture into this swamp-like terrain, only to be swallowed up by the mud, the slime, and the noxious vapors emanating from the area.

REFERENCES:

Jonas Bigly, “The Art and Science of the Science of Art” 1932, Simon and Sheister.

“This I Can Tell You – The Big Deal Made Stupid” 1996, plagiarized from Robert Malthus and Digbe McGillicuddy-Schwartz.

Twitter… kind of a lot on there

The Essay: “Go Covfefe Yourself” Rolling Stone, 4-2010